Tuesday, May 10, 2011

BPD, Self Harm and Triggering

Like most Borderlines, I self harmed in the form of cutting for a good chunk of my life. I'd say I probably started around the age of 12 or 13 and I didn't stop until I was 29. The first time I cut, I did it because it was cool. All my friends saw what I had done and I swear their view of me went up a notch after that. I continued to cut every once in a while, but not too often because it hurt like the dickens!

Then came the day when my horrible temper showed itself. Like always, I was out of control, screaming, throwing stuff, punching the wall. Even after all this time, I can still remember how mixed up I felt inside, how badly I needed to explode. I don't know what made me think of it, but I got out my razor and I started cutting. It was the first time I had ever cut without feeling pain. Instead, all I felt was exhausted relief. That day, and for the next 17 years, I would use cutting as a form of anger control. 

Now you're probably wondering why I took the time to tell all that. I did it to explain why I cut. I've seen so many instances where a Borderline reads or hears about someone cutting and that triggers them into doing the same thing. It's like they go crazy with the need to self harm. But I don't understand why. The only thing that's ever triggered a cutting episode for me is feeling that extreme anger and not wanting to explode. For me, it's never been about "feeling the pain" because I don't feel pain, just relief. I think if I actually felt the pain, I would have never cut again. So anyways, the whole point of this post was that I really don't understand triggers. So if someone wants to explain it to me, that would be awesome!

1 comment:

  1. I am the same as you, I usually self harm when I feel angry and I don't feel the pain. I do however, occasionally, self harm when I'm really depressed and I don't know what else to do. I do get triggered though sometimes. It's hard to explain but it only happens when I am not well and I am trying to not self harm. I get very clear images in my head and it makes me want to do it. I find when I feel like that and I either see in the preview of a post that it about self harm or if I start to read a post and I find out then that it's about self harm, I just don't read on. I think that the person that owns a blog can say whatever they want, we don't have to read it, that is up to us. If you know you are worried about being triggered, don't read, it's the reader's responsibility I think. Just my thoughts.