Bad bad Mothers Day

I really thought I could handle Mothers Day this year. I was fine last year and the year before, so why would this year be any different? Well, last year and the year before that, I celebrated Mothers Day by planting flowers for each of my kids. To me it was sort of healing. My kids aren't here for me to protect and nurture, so I spend all summer protecting and nurturing the flowers I plant for them on Mothers Day.

This year it rained. It rained all day long.

I was fine when I woke up. I knew how the day was going to go. I planned on working on the computer for a bit. Then showering. Then I was going to plant my flowers. I had only been online for about 1/2 an hour when my husband came in the room with "that look" on his face. You know, the one that says "Please don't shoot the messenger". When he told me it was raining, I didn't react. I felt nothing. But then I went back online and when I saw the page for my support group, I broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. The pain was unbelievable. I felt so broken.

I don't know how long I cried, it felt like forever. When I was done, I posted on my support group and then clicked out. I spent the rest of the day going through photos of my kids, pictures I never look at because it hurts so much. I literally beat myself up with memories, sort of an internal self harming. Throughout the day I tried to visit my support group online, but every time I did, it would trigger a sobbing session (I guess I know a little about triggers after all).

Monday was a little better, but I still wasn't "happy". Today I'm still a little down. I don't feel like talking to anyone, so I'm hiding out in my rooms. My normal daily activities hold no appeal. Facebook, Squidoo, Sidetick. I'm not really wanting to do any of it. I hope this feeling passes soon.